In the beginning as parents, we make it about us. What our kids do – what they achieve – what they even wear.
But as they mature and we mature as parents, we realize that their choices are somewhat of a reflection of how we trained them, but in the long run, we see that our kid’s choices are their choices. And it’s not about us.
We need to let go of our embarrassment of their actions and enjoy our kids for who they are. It doesn’t mean that you don’t correct your kids or let them get away with inappropriate behavior. For me, it means I look into my kid’s faces more often and think about their idiosyncrasies, strengths, and weaknesses. They are so unique.
Well, entertaining is much the same way.
When I’ve had a party, I’ve made it about me. How does my house look? How are the decorations? Am I a stellar hostess?
And this results in me missing out on my guests.
I want to enjoy each person that took time out to come over. Her dish that she brought probably has some story behind it. She might be wanting to share exciting news that I need to hear.
I want to make it about them and not about me.
Consequently, the stress I had about “appearances” melts away. I can let go of the fact that the bathtub didn’t get scrubbed but the drawn shower curtain can take care of that. And if someone peeks, it will be fine.
If I burn something, I will not apologize.
I will focus on my sweet friends who are important in my life. I will make my guests more comfortable and enjoy them.
How do you make your guests more at ease?
I completely understand you. I have a same problem- I worry too much if everything is ok when there are guests in our home. And every time after they leave I feel like I didn’t pay enough attention to what they were saying. I wonder if I should be more involved in a conversation and always find an exuse for myself saying something like “But the ice-cream had to be served when they were sharing weekend vacation stories”. In the end, I just feel tired, but I never thought about what I should do to stop worrying so much and start actually enjoying the company. Thank you for sharing this, you got me thinking about all this once again.
Hi Aleksandra,
It’s so easy for us to fall into this line of thinking. Isn’t it? I have to remember when I look at a magazine picture of a lovely home filled with people in it, it’s staged.
Thank you for your comment because it encourages me to continue to tackle this giant in my life.
j
That’s a great question! I heard years ago that there are 2 types of hostesses: those who are TERRIFIC servants and those who make people feel right at home. I tend to be the latter type. I don’t stress out if my house is not perfect (so long as it is generally tidy) or how my children act like – well, children. I want people to come in and feel free to go into the fridge and find something to eat!
For years I opted out of entertaining at all. It was so much work to get the house in perfect shape (as if) and a really nice meal with a lovely laid out table. I missed out on SO MUCH!! These past 6 years, since my children have traveled with a ministry team, I have learned much more about how *I* hostess. We periodically (and often at little notice) have 5-8 other college age students stay with us for 1-8 nights. I’ve learned that they actually LOVE coming to our house because they feel AT HOME. Yes, we don’t have fancy things or even beds for everyone, but they feel like they can settle in and be part of the family.
For me, THAT’S what type of entertaining I want to do. I am no where near together enough (or servant enough) to do the wonderful entertaining that some of my very talented friends do. God has gifted them in one way and I’ve come to see that God has actually gifted ME in another.
I’m LOVING your series, Jan!!
Good reminder. We get so worked up about the house and food and everything, and the guests probably don’t even think about that stuff. They’re just glad to be enjoying time with friends — which is what WE should be doing.
Jane, isn’t that hard to remember because we are always getting slammed by the media on what entertaining should look like.
I’m looking forward to your post and movies.
j
Kate: Isn’t it amazing how God has gifted us all so differently. We are all needed.
Our home, too, has become a bit of a weigh station too for traveling college kids. We’re close to an airport and we have loads of room. What a special gift to spend short time with these young people.
j
I would like to take another twist onto this conversation and say that what is being talked about is mother competition. It is something that some families value and promote through out the generations: It is the mother-in-law that values the image over the actual. This m-i-l will favour one child/grandchild over another and the favoured child will be the shinning example.
It is the media which propagates the notion that working moms are happier than stay at home moms and so therefore causes a battle over which is best, and whose children will grow up well adjusted while the other will be a deviant.
As moms we worry over every decision and action knowing, just knowing, that somehow we are the cause of everything wrong with our children. We will do everything anything to look perfect, to raise perfect children, to have the perfect house because we have “been told” that is our duty to do so.
Feel it is better to be chameleons and please everyone else instead of living out our Baptismal role as Priest, Prophet and Queen, I know this is an issue that I have dealt with as a mom of four, as a social worker and now as a spiritual director.
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